For a long time I have not felt this sad already......but it seemed like a very sad story.
I'll try to recall as much as I can.
I was in the army, and I felt compelled to ask why we were having reservists even after such a long time. Hahahahahaha.....farni, cos in real life, I couldn't wait to escape from reservist. I went back and asked, and, if I remember correctly, an elderly gentleman approached me and told me that it was because of this particular white horse in the platoon that had passed away, and that the father had requested for the temporary halt. Apparently, I recalled that if I went to this particular museum, that there might have been some information there to give me a better idea about the case.
I went to the museum, and on the 3rd story of the museum, I managed to find out some info just before it closed. Apparently, this guy was very close to his father, and they came from rather humble kampung background. But somehow, a fire started, burning down everything that they had, and he and his father managed to escape by jumping into a river, but his father was badly injured and disfigured. With all his strength as a boy, he pulled his father to safety. His father was very hardworking and managed to become very successful.
Subsequently, the boy actually led a carefree and happy life. I think he compared his own life to an angel. It was one of the happiest times of his life.
THEN, he met a guy, and they fell in love. Madly deeply in love. He almost wanted to leave home with this guy. There was a haversack that kept coming into the picture. From what I recall, that was the only thing that the father had left to remember his son by. This was the haversack that he had tried to use when he was running away from home due to parental objection. I believed he tried to kill himself. It was suicide. I think both died. After that, his father felt very very very remorseful. I recall when I was speaking in the army camp to the father, it almost felt like he was carrying this sense of lost and regret with him all his life, just as he was holding on to the haversack until the day he would step into his grave.
It was such a pity. The guy was a really good sketch artist. He drew beautifully of his childhood. He drew beautiful simple sketch pictures of he and his bf. Of how the two of them would sit simply on a bench, and his bf would gently put his hand discreetly around his waist. He died very very young.
It felt almost as though someone from the dead was reaching out to me to help me write this story to ask me to relate to his father. I believe that the son's name was Kelvin or something. And that his surname was Mah. If there really happens to be such a person out there, who had unfortunately passed away, please kindly tell his father that his son would really like to tell him that he loves him a lot and that he would hope that his father would be able to release all the hurt and just live on with his life.
And for Kelvin, if you are still around, I would also like to tell u that I have already done my part by blogging this down. I hope that you can also let go and move on. I hope your friends can see this and tell your father about this, and I hope that you will see that bright light shining down on you and follow it. With love.
P.S. Dear friends, if you can, please do ask around. If there really is a Kelvin Mah who has committed suicide, and his father is still around and depressed over his son, let me know. If there's a chance I would really like to talk to him to help him let go.
Such a sweet couple......even though a little old liao. Hahahahahaha.....but even all the more sweet.
Boy, have times changed.
Nowadays, to a certain extent, I even feel happy and relieved to go for funerals. It's like a chance to help someone cross over. Hopefully they do. But if they don't, at least I know I have tried my best.
In fact, sometimes, when I come back from such events, I even feel rather satisfied and happy. No longer do I dread, and seldom do I even go into one of those dreary moods why I groan and get upset over another good person going away.....hahahahaha.....
At least, nowadays I feel that I have done something. Much better than the helplessness that I have felt before.
The Sichuan Hotpot soup is wonderful!!!! It's the taste that I've been trying to look for such a long time.
And to think that I cooked it!!! Heehee....so delighted. Going to keep some for dinner. I must say that it's really really nice, although it was a real real real real frantic attempt. So many steps, and almost got my sichuan pepper and dried chillis burned, cos I was still trying my best to open the cap of the bean past sauce....hahahahaha....
And maybe it's nice becos I forgot to wash the bean sprouts, and was too excited and just dumped it in directly from the bag....hahahahahahaha....but it did look washed la...u know, the type u buy from supermarket in a sealed plastic bag type....hahahahahahhaa.....
Doesn't matter la.....only I eat wat...hahahahaha....at most I poison myself.
So today, I'm going to try out another favourite soup of mine......Vegeetarian Sichuan Hotpot!!!! Hahahahahaha....
Hope it'll be great!!!
I must say that I really really enjoyed the show!!!! Esp for such a foodie that I am, I guess that it really made me feel so good!!!!
No, I was not drooling over the meat.....but it was a really feel good piece!!!! I just felt happy watching it!!!!
And the moment I got home, I cooked a poach egg. Hahahahahahaha....
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disjecta!!!Hahahahaha.....Thanks for reminding me of her wonderful songs.....When the fat lady sings man......when the fat lady sings.....hahahahahaa....
This is the first song that made her famous if I'm not wrong.....hahahahaha....
And this is the song that made Fantasia such a hit.....but I think Ella is soooooooooooooo much better. I'm biased!!! Hahahahahaha...
I guess sometimes when we are in a relationship, we can't really take too much time to think about what is going to come.
Sometimes, ppl get affected by past relationships, by age, by religion etc.....but after these years, I realized that sometimes, one of the biggest lessons to learn is how not to be judgemental on some of these external factors that people can't change.
To me, what's important is perhaps the process.....some ppl believe in only "THE ONE". I believe in many "Ones"......and that some of them suit u better than others. Sometimes it's really about timing and both parties' readiness at that point of time. It has to be synchronized. If want party keeps stepping on the brake pedal, it would be so difficult to move forward.
Relationships, most of the time, is really about taking a leap of faith. You just have to dive in sometimes, and just enjoy the experience. When one party keeps holding back due to guilt, fear of hurt, need for control etc, it just doesn't make sense, unless both parties are willing to do so together. But at the end of the day, relationships are really about emotions. How well are you at controlling your emotions? How well do you think u can synchronize your emotions with another person? Practically, it's quite difficult to me, esp when you don't know when the other party is stepping the brake.
I guess, it's just a thought......but I think it's something to think about....
Having problems with supervisor arrangement. It's sad that it's so difficult to actually just help ppl? Even though your heart is pure and you wanna help others out of goodwill, you still have to go through so many red-tape, ppl's judgement, and support is just so freaking little. It's freaking frustrating and frankly speaking, just absolutely plain dumb.
Sometimes I wonder why I go thru so much bull shit just to do something that I believe in. DBS is still a lovely place to be working at so far. And I think I do enjoy my time working here still.....it's just that my heart is with helping ppl in a way that I feel is truly meaningful. I guess some ppl are driven by passion, and I am one of those.
(Reminds me of my father who keeps saying that I'm a dreamer and sometimes I feel so URGH just thinking of that....)
According to Shirley, the entire of Nepal only has 20 psychiatrists. And Nepal having gone thru a civil war and currently still having a Maoist insurgency, has quite a high percentage of ppl who require counselling. Everyone is overworked. Who will have the time to supervise? Absolutely no one.
So this is an appeal for anyone who can help me find a supervisor in Nepal.
On a sidenote, was on the bus with Aiqing the other day, and I told her about this placement. But she mentioned that this would be something good to put on my resume. I thought for a while, and then I said, yeah!! I guess so!!! I didn't think of it that way before.....
Apparently my Tea Leaves Eggs is gaining a reputation in office......now got special request to cook some more.
I'm going to cook more tomolo and bring one big pot to office on Monday. Hahahahahaha....
**got suan for typo of Tea Leave Egg instead of Tea Leaves Egg......kena bully....**
It is a charity organization that I have been donating on a regular basis for a long time in Nepal. It's a school for poor and underprivileged children there. But there's quite a number of factors for consideration. I must say that this is something that I really have to think about seriously.
There are mainly 2 things on my mind. The first is that the period which I intend to do my attachment, is starting Jan 2010. This period is WINTER in nepal. Temperatures are typically in the region of 1 degrees celsius. And I'm a person who absolutely detest cold weather. My goodness!!!!
The second is that the minimum commitment period is FOUR MONTHS. Now that's a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG period of time. That means that if I really want to do this, I have little choice but to quit my job. Something that to me, at this point of time, is actually quite tempting. Hahahahahahaha.....but still, it takes lots of consideration. How about expenses in these four months? Will I be able to find a job after these four months? Gosh......this is really something to wonder about.
( Long reply on internship )
Since young, around primary school, I already was developing this interest in acting. And for almost 10 years of my life, I didn't know what else I wanted to be but an actor. All this while, I have been facing extremely strong objections from my parents, to an extent that I even considered it emotional blackmail.
I recalled that when I wanted to choose my ECA in Secondary School, my father was dead against me joining Drama Club. It was my first choice, and my father killed it by telling me that he absolutely refuse to sign the form allowing me to join the club. I tried to circumvent that decision by joining Elocution Club instead, to try to build my foundation in language to guide me in that area of work. When choosing JC, I chose Hwa Chong JC because of its strong background in Drama. Actually, I wanted to study drama, but my parents forced me, and brainwashed me by telling me to go to a JC instead. They told me that after JC I could choose whatever course I wanted to study, as long as I had laid the proper foundation. Then when choosing uni, I wanted to choose communication studies or theatre studies. My father's reaction at that time was, "Well, if you want to go choose communication studies, you can go ahead. But go finance your own education."
At that time, I was stunned. I knew that the course was freaking expensive, and that there was no way that I could ever take up the course. So I ended up in Electrical Engineering. Cos it was their choice. (In the end, they didn't really pay for my education anyway, but that's a different story.)
After uni, I had a sit down with my father at Macdonald's at Tiong Bahru Plaza one day. I told him I had something important to tell him. I told him that I had lived more than 10 years of my life, living the life that he wanted me to lead. It was time that I led my own life. All this while, I had already been doing acting, so to my father, it might not have been such a big surprise after all.
But soon after that, I had a really really bad quarter life crisis. In the midst of it, I lost all confidence in acting. So I didn't touch acting again for about 5-7 years.
The experience didn't leave me though. From then on, I decided that there was no point in dreaming at all. At the end of the day, all I wanted since that crisis, was peace. No more fighting with a society that was built on materialistic ideals, but instead, all I wanted day in and out, was to migrate. To stay far far away from Singapore, in a place where I was little known, with as little people as possible, and just have my own life, leading the life that I really wanted. But alas, I had already been forced into a mould that I never wanted. Despite the fact that I wanted to lead the life I want, I couldn't get rid of the idea that I need a financial safety net. That's why I wait day in and out for only one aim in Singapore, that is to buy a house. A house that can give me rental income to do those things that I have always wanted to do.
In preparation for that day, I have been studying as well. I studied counselling, cos I wanted to help others with their problems. I didn't want ppl to live a regretful life as I did. I didn't want others to follow the mistakes that I made, simply because they had no one else to offer the alternative solutions that already existed then, but was unknown to me. I wanted others to have a life of possibilities. But all these came to a halt recently. I hit a bottleneck in my counselling course ------ internship. I was suppose to look for a counselling agency to do internship at. But despite numerous tries, I was still left with nothing.
Then yesterday, mum told me to contact this guy, which I did. I contacted him today, and he told me that the internship was starting on monday. I was delighted, but many big hurdles stood in front of me. I had already applied for intermission of the course and could only start face to face counselling starting Jan 2010. And because of the last minute decision, it was impossible for me to take leave or arrange for swapping of shifts, or even take no-pay leave. After I explored almost every possibility, I realized that it was simply impossible to take up the internship.
I told my mum that I had explored everything possible. And here's her reply:
"No you have not. What is your passion? If counselling is what you want, and your boss is not helping, then quit your not so fantastic job and go for your passion...."
I was totally and absolutely upset by that message. The first thought that came to mind was "Why tell me only now? Now then you tell me to quit my job? WHY? Why tell me 15 years later? Half of my lifetime have been wasted just trying to wait for that sms..."
I just couldn't take it anymore. I teared. I didn't care. I was filled with rage, and pity for myself. I wanted to tell her, why tell me now? Why only be guilty now for all the things that you all have done to me over these 20 years or so? Why didn't you tell me 15 years earlier? My life could have been so so so so different. I could have been so much happier now. If you wanted to do something to repay me, how are you going to repay me 10 years of my youth? How do you want me to forgive you for something you should have done a long time ago?
I was at a cafe with some friends today. It was one of those cafes that I frequent so often that the manager knows me. The manager tried to comfort me, cos he saw easily from my facial expression that something was wrong. But he didn't know what. He tried his best to comfort me, but the first sentence that he said was:
"時間可以淡忘一切" (Time can slowly cause everything to be forgotten)
I wanted to add. "包括夢。” (Including dreams....)
Found the Youtube version!!! MUST SEE!!!!
If you are free, do watch this!!!! It's one of the coolest videos I have ever seen!!!!
And make sure you watch it until the end to get what I mean!!!!
http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahs
*yawn*
